I wrote a post a bit ago that was kind of a bummer. If you didn’t like that one, I suggest you move alone right now because this one is going to make that one look like rainbows and unicorns. I’ve already mentioned this has been a rough year, but well, I didn’t go into a lot of details. Now I’m going to because lately I’ve been having to pass on a lot of speaking opportunities and I’ve been dropping the ball on a lot of things that I normally help out with (Code Camp and PAXNAUG just to name a few). Rather then trying to explain to each person individually what’s going on (although I’ve already done that for some of my closer friends), I figured I would just lay it all out there for all of geekdom to enjoy.
My wife has been battling depression for a while. It’s been something we’ve learned to deal with over the years and we had all sort of strategies for getting through the rough spots. Well this year has been a little different, when she felt the oncoming symptoms of another round of depression and we begin to bunker down to get through it, rather then dropping into a little (albeit serious) depression, she nose dived off the 1,000 foot platform and plunged deep and fast into the murky black tar pits of despair. Since then she’s been contemplating suicide on an hourly basis and couldn’t get her mind off thoughts of taking her life.
Kind of a bad place to be and it happened fast. Oddly fast.
We started dealing with it right away however. Psychologist visits two days a week and daily checkins with the psychologist as well. We also met with the psychiatrist and got started on some Zoloft and Ambien (so she could actually fall asleep at night instead of shaking and trembling all night long). Per the psychologists instructions we went through the house and gathered up all the items Wifey had considered using to take her life. Talk about one morbid pile. I then removed the items I could from the house and hid the rest. She’s not even allowed to shave without me watching (not a bad thing though, I’m definitely not going to complain about having to watch my wife shave her legs! Sexy!). We also came up with ways for her to communicate how close to suicide she was feeling without having to use a lot of words. Days where she’s hanging around a 5 or 7 are good days. Days at an 8 or 9 I don’t leave her side much and if we hit a 10 I’m probably busting down a door and calling 911.
It’s been a bit scary, but we’re dealing with it. The Zoloft has finally kicked in so the number of times she’s hanging out a 8 or 9 on the suicide watch scale are rarer. Things are getting better. And we’re hoping this week gets even better. Let me explain what’s special about this week.
You see, the week I went to the MVP summit (which I almost didn’t, but luckily got friends and family help watch for me and I checked in hourly up at the summit with my wife), Wifey came down with strep throat. She had to go into the doctor so he could confirm it and prescribe her some antibiotics.During the visit the doctor noticed visibly that her thyroid was enlarged. A couple of doctor visits and one biopsy later and it was confirmed that she had thyroid cancer. So there’s some hope (I know crazy that cancer gave us some hope!).
The hope is that the thyroid cancer was causing her chemicals to go all out of wack (an official medical term I’m sure) and that’s why she spiked so quickly into suicidal waters. At least that’s what her psychologist, psychiatrist and I are all theorizing. We’ll soon know though because the surgery is this week.
That’s right, on Wednesday my beautiful, suicidal and cancerous wife will go under the knife to have her thyroid removed. It should be a pretty straightforward surgery but it’s definitely still something that’s pretty nerve-wracking (especially for someone already dealing with depression…).
If you’ve been paying attention you’ll notice that I’ve covered two of the three things I love about my wife. Suicidal and cancerous. But radioactive? That’s the last bit of fun that we just recently learned about. Apparently if you’re going to get cancer, thyroid cancer is the way to go. They remove the cancer and then lucky you, you won’t need to go through chemotherapy or anything. In fact, all you have to do is take these iodine pills. These radioactive iodine pills. We’re still not sure about all the details of these pills but from what we’ve been reading online (and depending on state laws) she may have to be placed into isolation for a period of a few days to up to a month. If she’s allowed to come home she’s apparently not supposed to have human contact or even sit on the same couch with anybody for any length of time.
Those are going to be fun times. Especially with 4 young boys all wanting to give their radioactive mother a hug! We’ll know more after the surgery, but I’m expecting this month to get very interesting! We’re still debating over what type of mutation she’s going to grow. She was hoping for something cool like flight or laser beam eyes but I’m convinced it’s going to be some useless or lame mutation like being able to speak with a perfect British accent whenever she wants. No one ever gets the cool mutations anymore!
So things do sound a bit rough, but on the bright side, things could be a lot worse. We have great insurance that has been covering all of the mental health issues we’re battling. We’ve been on top of and dealing with each thing coming our way and really we’re doing ok. It could be a fast growing cancer and it’s not. It could be a cancer that requires chemo and it’s not. The kids have been adjusting but they’re great little men and have always been a help out around the house and they love taking care of mom. They’re really sweet with her and I’ve always taught them that she’s the queen and we all serve her. We’ve had lots of help from friends and family and the doctors. So really even those things seem like an overwhelming mess, we’ve had the strength and the resources to deal with them.
Anyway, I know I don’t want to keep writing these depressing posts, I really wish I could show everyone that things really are going well for me, I’m actually smiling and happy right now. And Wifey *IS* getting better. She’s really been great. (If you want to check out a couple of my wife’s posts from her perspective read these ones here and here. She’s a great writer and pretty brave just to be sharing.) Even battling with depression she still try's to do nice sweet things for me when she’s having a “clear” moment (thanks again for my comic books the other day!). So yes, definitely not everything is bad and I don’t want everyone feeling sad, but I did want to explain why I might be being a flake in other areas right now. I’m kind of internally focused right now so if you’ve been waiting for a response from me or wanted me to speak or help out with something, I seriously apologize, but you’ve been re-prioritized right now (down in case you hadn’t figured that out…).
I think if anyone else out there is struggling with anything like this, I would just say make sure you’re being proactive. Don’t put off getting treatment. Mental illness is a serious thing and don’t lose a love one because you’re embarrassed by it or you think it will just go away. Tackle these things head on and get the help you need. Lean on friends when you need them. People in your life care about you and let that care and love re-charge you and give you the energy you need to get through it.
But there you have it, that’s what is going on in my life and I love my suicidal, cancerous and radioactive wife.