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Chris G. Williams Beware: I mix tech and personal interests here.

This review will contain naughty words. I don't know how many because that phrase is the first thing I typed, other than the title. I just know there's going to be some.

I went to see a matinee of Star Wars: The Clone Wars today. There were 9 of us, ages ranging from 10 to older than me, so it seems like a good spread.

I'll give you the short version first since there's a lot of ADD geeks out there (like me) who are about to stop reading if I don't get on with it...

THE SHORT REVIEW: It Didn't Suck. Sorry to disappoint all the haters, but well... there you have it. I liked it.

If you care WHY I liked it, and want to hear me rant on a few other tangentially related topics (and get to the aforementioned swear words) then keep reading.



Let me start off by saying this: Fuck Harry Knowles and all the haters going off about this movie. Harry has been a Star Wars fanboy since before the term existed, but for some reason has chosen to crap all over this movie. It's as though George Lucas himself came over and broke all of Harry's action figures. Sorry Harry, but you're way off in left field on this one. I'll even tell you why.

Star Wars came out in 1977. I don't know how old you were then, but I was 7 (seven) and I loved it. Over the years, I had all the toys, read the novels, read the comics, had the Halloween costumes, watched the Super 8 version until it broke, bought the VHS, the re-released VHS, the DVDs, saw all the movies, etc. Now, other than the occasional action figure, I haven't bought a Star Wars toy for myself in at least 15 years. Somewhere along the way, I grew up. I still enjoy the movies, as do my kids, but I've accepted one fact in all this. You and I are no longer the target audience for these movies. This is a good thing.

Some people expect the Star Wars movies to "mature" at the same rate we have (ok, well, some of us have.) As these people get older and their tastes inevitably change, and their expectations change, they expect each new Star Wars film to be darker and grittier than the one before it, to the point of resembling something decidedly un-Star Wars. Well, guess what... it's not happening. It's not GOING to happen, no matter how much lesbian sith fan fiction you write, it's just not going to happen. Star Wars has ALWAYS been for children.

Let me repeat that. Star Wars. (check) Kid's Movies. (check) That doesn't mean we as adults can't enjoy them... of course we can. It's Sci-Fantasy escapism. Good guys fighting bad guys, in a black and white world. The bad guys are evil for the sake of evilness. The good guys are good why? Because the bad guys are Soooo evil. Just pay your $5 and enjoy it and shut the hell up.

So Harry, if you want to get pissed at someone for wasting your money or your time, forget George Lucas and consider the theatres who charge $11 for 80 cents worth of popcorn and soda. Those are the real bastards in this story. If you still can't get past it, and I know you probably can't, consider this for money wasted: The hundred or thousands of dollars you spend on those toys that you buy and never play with, because they'll "appreciate in value," are a waste of money. Why? Because if you never sell them, the value doesn't mean squat. Or how about those $200 (each) light saber replicas you bought that you keep in their boxes because you're afraid your (random relative) will break it if he touches it? Or maybe that hooker you wasted $150 on for those 20 awkward minutes and that lonnnng car ride back home alone. $5 for an hour and a half of Star Wars immersion seems like a pretty good deal after that, huh?

I see you complain about how silly the movie is. You don't like the baby Huttlet. You don't like Jabba's oddly effiminate uncle Hutt in Coruscant. (For the record, he was a little creepy.) Personally, I've always hated the inherent silliness in the Droid Army dialog, and this film is no exception but I can overlook it. You know WHY I can overlook it? Because I'm not one of these basement dweller jackasses who re-validates their pathetic existence with each new Star Wars film. I don't have mountains of action figures, still on the original card. I don't wear Darth Maul costumes or list Jedi as my religion.

You know what made this a good movie? The fact that the ten year old sitting next to me LOVED IT! He laughed at all the silly parts and oooh'ed at all the explosions and ahhh'ed when the bad guys got what was coming to them. THAT is what made this a good movie. I was right there with him too, enjoying every minute of it.

This is a Star Wars movie. Who cares that the guy who did Walker, Texas Ranger composed the score instead of John Williams? Who cares that the animation style was different than the Clone Wars shorts on Cartoon Network? Who cares that the random voice actress that spoke for Asajj Ventriss wasn't the same person in this movie? Does it really matter? Does it really keep you from enjoying the movie, because you're so hung up on your elitist fantasy of what a Star Wars movie "should" be? Shame on you Harry.


So, back to my short review. I liked the movie. It's fun and clever, and maybe a little sillier than the other movies, but it hits all the happy buttons for its target audience. Expecting more than that of any movie, Star Wars or otherwise, is just absurd. Don't go expecting Empire Strikes Back or 300 or Gladiator. Go expecting a fun kid's movie set in the Star Wars universe and you won't be disappointed.

Posted on Sunday, August 17, 2008 6:39 PM General Interest , Reviews | Back to top

Comments on this post: Star Wars: The Clone Wars - a review

# re: Star Wars: The Clone Wars - a review
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"... Or maybe that hooker you wasted $150 on for those 20 awkward minutes and that lonnnng car ride back home alone. ..."

Left by Donn Felker on Aug 18, 2008 8:36 AM

# re: Star Wars: The Clone Wars - a review
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Saw this today and though it was interesting to add to your discussion.
Left by Aaron on Aug 19, 2008 3:47 PM

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