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Chris G. Williams Beware: I mix tech and personal interests here.
So I was out at lunch (Davanni's) with my friend Kitty last week and while we were there, this lady was going "table to table"  getting people to fill out slips for a drawing for a free massage. I like "FREE" a lot so I filled out the little slip and handed it back to her.

Imagine my surprise when I got home that evening and received a phone call informing me that I was a lucky winner. All I had to do was make an appointment at "Above and Beyond Chiropractic." The nice lady with the accent informed me that there would be a brief exam and then I would get my massage. Sounds cool, sign me up.

My appointment was yesterday afternoon at 5pm. The place is conveniently located halfway between work and home, so I arrived promptly 5 minutes early and came in. The place is tucked way in the back of one of those shared medical office buildings, along with a dentist and various other sole practitioners.

When I arrived, I was given some paperwork to fill out. The place was relatively clean although everything looked fairly old and the paperwork was fairly generic, of the "where does it hurt" variety and medical history questions... like, do I smoke? am I pregnant? do I fart a lot? (seriously... I can't make this crap up.)   guess that last one is a legitimate concern in a small poorly ventilated room, with someone hunched over me... I dunno. Never had a massage before.

After I fill all of this stuff out, this "alternachick" comes up and takes me into this other room. She hands me 3 laminated pamphlets to read and says she'll be right back. I nod and glance at the pamphlets while secretly counting her facial piercings. (Hey, I dig Suicide Grrrls as much as the next guy, but not at the doctor's office.)

I figure, maybe there's a quiz, and I read the pamphlets. A few minutes later, alternachick comes back in and asks me if I read the pamphlets. I nod my head and hand them back to her. Then she asks me if I would mind if she records our conversation, for "quality purposes" and I'm thinking, ok that's a little weird, but whatever. Sure, why not?

At this point, she cuts on the recorder and hands me the first pamphlet, and asks me to explain what I read. Wow, there really was a quiz... so I paraphrase the contents of the brochure. Then she hands me the second one and does the same thing... again I have to explain the brochure. Same for the third one. At this point, I'm considering just getting up and leaving since obviously that free massage is nowhere in sight, but Jason says I haven't written anything interesting in a while so I figure I'll take one for the team and see where this leads...

After I describe the 3 pamphlets, she has me read highlighted passages out loud from each one. After I read a passage, she asks me what I think it means. This went on for about 10 minutes. It was so weird, I can only imagine it must be similar to joining some kind of cult, only with a copay.

After we were done with that, she asked me about the various parts of my body that I indicated pain (neck, right shoulder, right hip, right knee and both arms)  I explained that none of them were hurting at this moment, but had occasionally given me trouble over the years... she wrote a bunch of stuff down and then we moved to the next room.

In this second room, there was an xray machine that looked old enough to be my grandfather, and while I was sitting in there, I noticed various stickers and tags on the equipment with dates that ranged back to my childhood and before. It seemed like everything in this room was over 30 years old... so I assumed the doctor would be too.

The alternachick explained to me that I should be able to turn my head left or right until my chin was even with my shoulder... so she had me hold up the measuring device  and turn my head each way. I'm not sure I know anyone who can turn their head that far, but I certainly can't. So she wrote more stuff down and said it was time to see the doctor.

The doctor was this odd looking young guy who touched my hands and arms and feet and asked if they felt the same (yes) and then poked at my shoulders and said they were really tense. He had me lay on my back and he twisted and turned each leg until it hurt and then he poked at my arms some.

Looking at his watch, he decided that he had seen enough, pronounced me completely screwed up and suggested I come back immediately asap for regular chiropractic work starting monday. Concidentally, the parts he said were screwed up were the same parts I listed on my form, that he never actually examined. Kinda like calling the Psychic Friends Network, I guess.

Next thing I knew, Alternachick was asking me for my medical insurance information but fortunately I didn't have my card with me. She said she needed to call them and find out how much would be covered. At this point I didn't even care about the massage anymore, I just wanted to get the hell out of there.

I needed to get across town to the Developers Guild meeting at this point, so while Alternachick was asking me what time I could be in on Monday and if I wanted to bring a friend, I just said sure whatever and walked out the door. Apparently I have another appointment at 6pm on Monday... which I'll be cancelling today.

I'll be having a word with Davanni's too. Posted on Wednesday, September 10, 2008 11:20 AM General Interest | Back to top

Comments on this post: You Could Win a Free Massage

# re: You Could Win a Free Massage
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"I nod and glance at the pamphlets while secretly counting her facial piercings. (Hey, I dig Suicide Grrrls as much as the next guy, but not at the doctor's office.)"

Oh, the sheer irony of the well-tattooed bemoaning the oft-pierced ')
Left by stevenc on Sep 10, 2008 2:50 PM

# re: You Could Win a Free Massage
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Your first tipoff should have been having to go to the chiropractor for a "massage". :D
Left by Randolpho on Sep 10, 2008 2:58 PM

# re: You Could Win a Free Massage
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Hey I can wear long sleeves when it counts... a ski mask wouldn't even hide all her metal.
Left by Chris G Williams on Sep 10, 2008 2:59 PM

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